The Delicious Debauchery

Read this post in my friend Gaurav Sabnis’s blog. He claims to be a "panipuri expert", but, as I pointed out to him, a career in consuming panipuris is never complete without the delicious phuchkas (panipuri) of Kolkata -pretty much like a batsman's accomplishments, which seldom command respect unless he scores a century in Perth, on a bouncy track in windy conditions, facing the greatest bowling attack in the world at present.

As all panipuri lovers know, there are three crucial components that go into the making of this truly indigenous innovation, namely:
1) the globe (called the "phuchka" in Kolkata)
2) the stuffing inside the globe (referred to as the "choormoor" in Kolkata)
3) the pani (referred to as "tetuljol"in Kolkata)

(What exactly is the Puri, then, I wonder. Can someone lend me a helping hand?)

The first, in keeping with the perfectly competitive nature of its market, is more or less homogeneous across the length and breadth of this country and hence seldom emerges as the differentiating factor, or, as we MBAs love to call it, the USP. The rough cricketing equivalent of this would be the cricket bat.

What makes the crucial difference are the second and third components, the rough cricketing equivalents of which would be the technique and the temperament. It is here that the true genius of the creator comes into play; it is here that He (the phuchkawala, often greatly revered in Kolkata) “pulls up his socks” and “shows his true mettle.”

One of the worst-kept secrets in the world is that the unique taste of Coca-Cola comes from the highly mysterious “Flavour X” and that the recipe has been protected safely in some bank vault in Atlanta for some zillion years. Years of scholastic (and occasionally frivolous) research indicate that it can be anything between liquid gold and bird shit.

As a result of our occidental obsession, there have been no similar deliberations on the secret ingredient in phuchkas. The detractors point out, with convoluted logic, that it cannot be anything other than the phuchkawala’s sweat. Not in a figurative sense, mind you, not that the buggers refer to the arduous toil of the creator- but in a rather literal and derogatory sense. The detractors back their claims by pointing out the numerous instances of gastronomic calamities, ranging from loose motion to diarrhoea, which usually follow this gastronomic delight.

True, phuchkas are not for the hygiene freaks. There will be the occasional revolutions in your stomach, but, as someone said, the set of gains has a one-to-one correspondence to the set of pains.

Today, after consuming panipuris across the country, I am firmly convinced that Kolkata phuchkas have a true touch of magic, a genuine secret ingredient which I’m sure the Baba phuchkawala hands to khoka phuchkawala on the (former’s) deathbed. Be rest assured, my unflinching efforts to unearth the secret will continue unabated. The day I succeed, I shall give up working and start my own phuchka chain selling processed phuchkas, which’d surely give me more money and greater job satisfaction that my current job.